| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2009|07:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Taylor Swift | ] |
Being home always make me feel old and like a child again all at the same time. It's refreshing. |
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| "Even if it kills me i'm going to smile" |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|10:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lonestar-Smile | ] |
I finally understand what Kyle is talking about. Listening to him talk I finally understand what he wants to be doing with his time. I'm not sure if the realization makes me feel better or worse. I'm not sure if I should apologize for it so he knows that I finally understand. Part of me only feels like I would be doing that so win him back saying that I now understand what it is and so next time it won't be like that. But it's not really me. I want to be with someone that wants to spend all their time with me. I'm selfish like that. I'm not sure we could make it work between us. At least not now. Not until Kyle wants to be with someone like me anyway. I'm not sure that makes it hurt less. It all hurts. I don't want to talk about us anymore.. But this is going to hard not to say to him.
Just a Sorry I finally get it. I'd only say it hoping he would change his mind and when it doesn't change him mind on his decision that's not going to make me feel better. I need to leave tonight how it was. We ended something without talking about us. I need to be strong in this moment. And just walk away. Maybe someday we will casually talk about us and then will be my chance to say this thing that is going to weigh on my heart. The not so haha funny thing is.. I understand now what he was trying to say all those times. I didn't mean to freak him out but I did. I made him everything to me before he felt the same way and before he was ready. I pushed something where it wasn't meant to be yet. But hey it wasn't all me. He let it happen. He wanted to spend all that time together too. I feel like we would still be together had we not rushed things. I think that parts hurts the most. It just seems like Kyle is always going to be the one that I let get away. Whether that is entirely true or not. I hope he is happy. Listening to him talk it sounds like he is. That's good. I want him to be happy. Maybe someday we will get another chance at this. If it's meant to be i'm sure it will work itself out. Who knows maybe this is just another lesson for me to learn. Let's hope I learned it this time because I don't think I did with Bryan. |
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| "You Live You Learn" |
[Jul. 25th, 2009|02:54 pm] |
It is taking all the strength I have not to call you today. I really want to. I know how work is going and if you are there alone thinking about me. I miss you everyday. Knowing that you won't call me to say goodnight or just to check in for a while hurts. I hope you grow to realize in the next couple of months the mistake that you have made.
I feel like this breakup with Kyle is different than with Bryan. It is true that when I broke up with Bryan all I wanted was for him to change his mind and for a long time I had convinced myself that he would. I don't know how to explain it but it feels different with Kyle. It almost feels like I know Kyle will change his mind. I can't explain why I feel that way or how I know. It might be from some of the things that he has said. He feels lonely too not talking. And he said that Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were impossible days for him. I know that when people break up both sides hurt but I guess I feel like one side always hurts a little less. Although that is his side he is hurting more than Bryan when we broke up.
He is all I think about. I keep replaying all of our memories in my head trying to find a time when he was unhappy and maybe I just didn't see it. But I can't really seem to find one. I know that we fought. Everyone does. I know how he feels about us. He feels like we lost the spark in our relationship and he doesn't think it should be that way. I understand his choice although I don't agree with it. I think that all he really needs is a little more space right now. He said he misses me in the morning too like I am missing him. Nothing that he really says provides a of comfort because in the end the decision is the same however, it does make me feel a little better to know that he is going through the same thing that I am. The same confusing feelings and emotions. I have to try and put this behind me so that if he ever does come back around looking to be together I can make an unattached decision whether or not he deserves a second chance. He is a really great guy and I consider myself lucky to have dated him no matter how this turns out. He showed me what I should expect from a relationship and how I deserved to be treated by someone. And he did all those things for me...he just doesn't feel the same about us anymore and he is sorry. He misses me. And I miss him
I'm not really sure if this is for the best. Maybe it is a bump in the road of our relationship and maybe it is really the end. Either way it hurts but i'm learning. If he does ever come back I want him to know the commitment I would be expecting from him. I wouldn't demand that we work out and be together forever but that at least the second time he was willing to exhaust all options before calling it quits. I explained to him the best I could last night how I was feeling from sad to crazy. I explained how I feel he made a rash decision. And how he never let his unhappiness show.. so was it really unhappiness? Wasn't it more just indifference in a relationship you've already been in for a while.
I don't know yet if someday I will thank Kyle for doing this or not. Obviously I respect the fact that this was not easy to do or say. He tried to be as honest as he could. (It still feels so odd to be sitting home right now and know that i'm not waiting for him to get off of work because he is not going to call and invite me over). I hope the boys take care of him. I hope they are sensitive and not rude about it. I hope they don't try to get him to sleep around or start dating someone else yet.
In a couple of months if Kyle has still not changed his mind.. and when I am more removed from the situation. I think I will try to maintain a friendship with Kyle. He is the kinda guy that I would have been friends with if I had not dated him. He will not be lifelong friends. Probably just friends as long as we are both in the cities. He promised to be as honest as he could with his feelings ..and if he starts seeing someone else. He promised to be honest over being sensitive because most likely what he has to say will not be something that I want to hear.
I wish I knew how this was going to turn out but of course that is impossible...All I know is that I miss Kyle and I really think he could have been the one for me. Only time will tell. |
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| "What happened to.. |
[Jul. 23rd, 2009|10:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Minneapolis | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Matt Nathanson | ] |
"bullet proof weeks in your arms..what happened to feeling cheap radio songs"
I am a mess of emotions right now. Kyle and I broke up a week ago and I am almost at the point of being able to say that out loud without crying..although it's close. I think I want to stay friends but how can I watch him date someone else.
I think I keep dating the wrong kinda guys. Kyle and Bryan although they were both good guys. They both weren't looking for the same thing out of a relationship as me. Kyle was more on my page than Bryan was but we are still far enough apart that all both of them can tell me when we break up is that they just don't feel the same about me anymore.
At least I got to talk everything out with Kyle. I felt like I said all the things that I needed to say. I tried everything I could to get him to want to work it out. (even though I know that I shouldn't have done this) Someday I will be over it. Today is not that day. Today all I can think about is how I am supposed to live my life without him in it. I can't imagine my self with someone else. I still want him next to me in the morning when I wake up and now that he's not there all I do every morning is cry.
"I miss the sound of your voice.. and I miss the rush of your skin.. and I miss the still of the silence as you breathe our and I breathe in" |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|08:07 pm] |
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Visiting Paris changed my outlook on life. I'm so glad I went. |
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| "Let's try and take it back... |
[Apr. 23rd, 2009|08:06 pm] |
before it all went wrong" -The Script
It's been awhile since i've taken the time to sit down and just write. I can't really say that i don't have time because really i have the time but i'm just lazy. I get home from work and am just too tired to do anything. My apartment needs cleaning. It's odd living alone. I have so much space but so much stuff. It's odd not having Cyndi there. I miss her even if she wasn't home very often. It's almost been a year since i've been out of college! I can't believe I can even say that. Now is just about the time they tell you that you are going to be missing college life and wanting to go back.. And some of that may be true. I do miss College lifestyle. Not that i'm too much far past it. But working everyday til 5:00 gets stressful too. There are no days when you get done at noon just because.
I love the boys I work with but I don't know if I really love what i'm doing. I enjoy going to work everyday. It just always seems to be stressful now. Like there aren't any good days anymore. And I know that's because the economy is tough and we are struggling. It just seems sometimes like nothing goes our way. If I didn't like Nick, Ben and Derrick so much I think I would have left ages ago. I'm doing the QA that I didn't want to do. But if I don't do it..we won't pass the audit.. No one else can keep everything straight.
I still think about working for the crime lab. Forensic Science was always exactly what I really wanted to do. Somewhere in college I settled and realized that I was not going to be able to pull the grades for grad school for forensics science. Did I just convince myself then that it wasn't really what I wanted. Or did I just legitimately change my mind. I feel like I can't remember anymore. But sometimes I feel like I stopped fighting. College was hard for me. Chemistry is hard for me to grasp. Although I find it fascinating. I wonder if I could have done better at something like Genetics. I know Biochemistry would have been worse for me. I dont' know. I can't think straight sometimes. I feel such an obligation to stay at my current job at least through the audit Maybe I should at least apply to the State Lab in Minnesota. See if they even call me. I almost have a year at Pace. St. Paul would be an awful drive everyday though. And I don't want to move! All things to consider. Hmm |
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| "This is your life.. |
[Jan. 19th, 2009|09:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dust in the Wind | ] |
"are you who you want to be?" Seems like such a simple question yet it's not. Today I feel like i'm doing what i want to be doing but yesterday i'm not sure I felt like that.
"but it's time to face the truth.. I will never be with you"
Why is it so hard to find someone that you know instantly that you should date.. why are there so many akeward inbetweens. I think I like Drew. but i'm not really sure.
I'm too tired to think. |
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| "it seems like i can finally rest my head on something real.. |
[Dec. 21st, 2008|09:41 pm] |
I like the way that feels..oh..it's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself.." -Ashlee Simpson.. haha.. not my finest lyrical moment.. but I like the words.
I feel bottled up these days. I have good friends that I know I can talk to but I don't know what to say.. Some moments I want to scream and some I just feel like i'm watching my life walk past me.. but I don't know how to get back in it. |
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| "Take it easy on yourself.. |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|09:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Minneapolis, MN | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gavin Rossdale | ] |
silent sounds of yesterday, the ghost of you dancing in the hallway..lunar to base.. let's get this on.. the kids have gone mad..they've insane all along.. Forever May you Run" -Gavin Rossdale
I haven't written lately because I feel like my life has hit a wall. I guess I feel a little lost too. I know i'll figure it out but i'm tired of inbetween. |
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| To state the obvious |
[Oct. 28th, 2008|09:04 pm] |
I didn't get my perfect fantasy...as far as i'm concerned your Just another picture to burn..and if you come around saying sorry to me.. my daddy's going to show you how sorry you'll be"-Taylor Swift
I listen to this song and it makes me smile because it's teenage heartbreak...and i agree with the sentiment but the words are juvenile. But she's young..
Work is stressful..I'm constantly getting pulled in several different directions at once and now I feel like my boss doesn't even think i'm doing enough.. i know he's stressed cuz it's the end of the month and all.. but i'm caught up on all reports.. they are not getting out because the are stuck in review.. not because they are not written. |
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| "Cuz today.. |
[Oct. 21st, 2008|09:06 pm] |
you walked out of my life.. cuz today..your words felt like a knife..I'm not living this life" -Secondhand Serenade
My entries as of late have been scattered and not so happy. I should write more often.. I used to write daily in high school.. I wonder why I did it though.. I was always so stressed out with my mom. I always thought there was something to say about it.
Life hasn't changed much around here. I'm starting to get the hang of Minneapolis at least. The traffic is still terrible. But after the Zombie Pub Crawl I sat down and Ashley and I talked for an hour or so.. which was awesome..To feel for the first time I was making a real friend instead of just a party friend. Last week was a pretty good week. Work is slower than usual so I actually put in 40 hours! Soon it will pick back up.. and I got a great message from an unexpected person.. and it made me smile.. really smile for the first time in a long time. It was a genuine message of encouragement from someone who owed me none. And it really touched me. Maybe that sounds silly.. but when you don't know how to move on past things it's nice to have a voice that isn't one of your friends saying the same old thing to you.
I saw my ex on Sunday..It was good and bad.. It was good to find out that he really focused on school and thus does not have any time for any girls..It was bad because sadly over the last couple of months he has not become ugly. But it was step in the right direction for him to even stop by and say hi for a little bit if we are really going to be friends someday. At least the day that Harry Potter comes out in June anyway so I have someone to see it with.
I guess I just want to find hope that someone else ..better is out there for me. It's hard when I don't meet very many people to believe that there is someone else..I know there has to be.. because but i want to find him now! haha.. Maybe i'll try and write more often..It feels good to get things off of my chest. |
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| "There will be no white flag above my door.. |
[Sep. 14th, 2008|09:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Minneapolis, MN | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Love Remains the Same | ] |
"I'm in love and always will be.." -Dido lyrics.
I'm not really sure how long it's suppossed to be before this feeling passes. But it hasn't gone away yet. I hope I don't grow to regret moving to Minneapolis. I thought that this city was big enough but really I don't know if I can do it. I really hate you for making me feel like this about myself. I hope that some day you grow to regret your decision. I hope that you realize what you walked away from but right now you don't care. And that hurts. It all still hurts. I want to meet someone else to try and put you behind me but I hardly know anyone here still and I still struggle to find something to do on a Friday or Saturday night. All of it makes me feels so pathetic. I can't get over the things you said to me.. and the memories. I can't seem to make new friends and have something to distract me. I just get stuck home. At least this week I start tutoring.. Hopefully that will work out..The people at work are doing happy hour again so maybe I can try and hang out with them more too. I don't know. I just feel lost. I'm not sure i'm moving forward anymore. I just feel like I keep taking steps backward everyday. That is foolish but it's all I have. I wish I knew this was hurting you.. That it was bothering you. Although it wouldn't make it better. It doesn't change the fact that you used to love hanging out with..spending time with me.. you were so excited that first night we hung out. And now..We are nothing. How do you let go of something you love? I'm such an idiot. |
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| "Since You Broke It" |
[Jul. 13th, 2008|10:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Minneapolis MN | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Since you broke it-Graham Colton Band | ] |
"Tell me would you think less of me if I said I could do without you,
Tell me would you jump up and down if I said I couldn't see you again
Maybe it would hurt too much to hear I'm not the one that you wanted
Cuz you could never get me again
You could never get me again
Cuz you know it never seems to work right since you broke it
I don't really get what the joke is
Can somebody fill me in?
So tell me did you think I couldn't tell you might do just as well without me?
Tell me did you think I wouldn't mind when I knew you were lying again
So what you gonna do with yourself move on to someone else you can play with?
Cuz you could never get me again
Yeah you could never get me again
Cuz you know it never seems to work right since you broke it
I don't really get what the joke is
Can somebody fill me in?" -Graham Colton Band
I heard this song on one of the Cd's I got from my sister ages ago and it couldn't ring more true right now. Why can't I find the strength to walk away.. You can. It's just going to kill me when I tell you I really can't do this anymore.. and you just say okay. Like you did last time. You won't fight. You probably won't say anything. Just okay I knew this was coming. I still can't think of anyone else but you kissing me goodnight. And I hate you so much for that. Love hurts.. tell me why do people do this? Sometimes I feel like things are slowly getting better but then I don't. How can you possibly believe that you can find someone better than me. Why do you feel like you need to try all the wrong things to know that you have found the right one. That just makes you an idiot who doesn't know what he has when he has it. I think walking away is the only thing I can do.. but somehow I can't find the strength. Part of my just hopes you don't call.. then at least I can blame it on you. It can be your fault..because you know i'm not going to call you. Other than walking away I dont' know how to make you see what you are leaving. The part that hurts the most is that you might not even care when I walk away. And that brings the tears. |
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| Gilmore Girls Episode |
[Jun. 19th, 2008|06:39 pm] |
After the Lorelai/Luke breakup
Lorelai: I was hurting and I knew if I called you you'd come I never should have done that
Luke: It's okay
Lorelai: No, it's not okay..I'm not that girl..i'm not the one who cries and falls apart and calls her ex boyfriend to come and save her.. thank you so much for coming and breaking my door your an amazing guy for doing that..I just want you to know that I heard you when you said you were out.. I did.. and i'm going to respect that from now on. You should go it's cold. I'll be fine.
If only it were as easy as it is on TV. |
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| "As far as your lack of something to say.. |
[Jun. 16th, 2008|10:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Minneapolis,MN | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dead on Arrival-Fall Out Boy | ] |
"Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way,"
Today I started a new chapter of my life..without you. I wanted you there..but you don't want to be there so..I'm starting a new chapter and moving forward. I think i'm going to like this job..The people today were nice. Moving forward.. trying hard to keep the smile on my face. Living for me.
"today is where your book begins the rest is still unwritten" |
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| "And if you ever said you miss me.. |
[Jun. 10th, 2008|10:09 pm] |
then don't say you never lied.. I'm without you" - Brand New lyrics
I accepted a job at Pace Analytical today and I wanted to call you..but I didn't. Your not good at excited. Your not good at knowing what to say to me. I'm really excited about this job.. It's really good for me. I'm working with them from the ground up.. I'm going to have lots of responsibility. It's going to be a close knit group working to launch this new lab group. I think it's going to be great. And if it's not a fit for me I can always do something else. I start on Monday. Casual dress. Everything I worked for..for the last four years is about to come true before my eyes. All the late hours.. all the skipped parties.. nights of relaxing.. hours of studying..all going to pay off. My hard work is finally going to get me somewhere. Lots of move up potential. Lots of hope..I'm starting at $14 an hour. With possible overtime.
--And I wanted to call you so bad..but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. You wanted out of my life not the other way around. So i'm letting you off the hook..giving you the space you wanted so bad. I thought we were such a great couple. I think on Monday when I start this job it will help me walk away from you. I can start a new chapter in my life with this job and leave you in the previous one. I don't know if I want to see you this week.. who knows if you will even call. You said you would but ehh if you don't then I won't have to decide if I want to see you
"It's time to be a big girl now!" |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|11:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Minneapolis, MN | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sex And the City | ] |
"Gone away are the golden days
Just a page in my diary
So here I am, a utopian citizen
Still convinced there's no such thing as idealism
Memories they're following me like a shadow now
And I'm dreaming
And I've already suffered the fever of disbelief
I've seen your act
And I know all the facts
I'm still in love with who I wish you were" - Wish You Were Kate Voegele
I should want so much better than you. Someone that makes me a priority.. someone that wants to spend time with me and can't imagine having fun without me.. someone that listens to me..really listens and hears what I have to say. Not like you. But instead of wanting someone else I want you to change.. to realize what your walking away from and change your mind. I know you have it in you to be everything I've stated above you just aren't ready and it sucks that i'm stuck with the timing was off excuse. All I can think of is how when you are ready you going to change for some other girl. Some girl that was worth changing for..worth putting first and being everything she wanted and dreamed of since she was little. I don't want you to do that for someone else I want you to do that for me. Mostly I want to stop thinking about you and leave you behind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2008|09:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Minneapolis, MN | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Armywives Music | ] |
"What if I never feel the butterflies again?" This has now become my greatest fear |
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| "I'm stuck here with the ghost |
[Jun. 7th, 2008|06:08 pm] |
of what we used to be"- Boys Like Girls
It's been just over two months now since we broke up but still your all I can manage to think about. I really want to get a job so i can push you out of my head and worry about something else. Anything else. I packed up everything ..put it in boxes and tried to leave you in Madison when I left there to move to Minneapolis.. but it didn't work. You followed me..which sucks you weren't invited. I think it's just hard being only 10 min. from you when I used to be 4 hours. Now I wonder where you are and what are you up to more than ever. I want to know who you are spending time with. I know most of it is school though. I know that in the back of my head. I miss him still. I want him to change his mind and come back to me.. Whoever said if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you it's yours..played a very sucky waiting game like I feel is going on now. I just want to know how it all plays out.. the impossible.
I'm such a silly girl.. your just the only person I ever completely opened up to.. and now I just feel foolish for ever doing that. |
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| "All the roads we walk are winding |
[May. 21st, 2008|12:14 pm] |
There are many things i'd like to say to you but I don't know how" - Oasis Wonderwall
I'm not sure if I feel better.. I'm not sure if I feel worse.. I just feel stuck..Not even angry.. Just stuck. I feel like i'm starting to bore people with the same old topic..But it's always on mind. It drives me crazy.. I can't just set it down. It annoys me to check his facebook and see that he was up at 3:15 am which means he went out last night but didn't call. Maybe they drove somewhere or something and they weren't out where we were. That is always possible.. I guess I should look at it that way. Maybe he will call today.. I'm trying to find little things that I can put faith in to try and rebuild my trust in him. It's hard..Yesterday I did okay at dinner.. I really tried to.. til he said "I'm sorry.. i'm happy" That was a tough one.. |
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